Two Critical Steps for Healing After Divorce

Mike Hosey, Elder

I have never had a divorce. The closest experience that I have comes from the reports of people very near to me who have faced that tragedy. So first-hand knowledge on my part is limited, and I want to be upfront with you about that.

Still, in listening to the stories of adult friends who have faced that tragedy, one thing I have noticed is that every divorce I am acquainted with occurred because of selfishness on the part of one or both partners. (It's usually both.) I don't say this to make anyone feel down. After all, I don't know anyone (including myself) who does not exhibit selfishness in their relationships from time to time. The purpose of my statement is to acknowledge that real hurts and real resentment genuinely occur in the many moments that lead up to a divorce. In fact, the hurt and resentment that occur in a marriage can be (probably are) greater than the hurt and resentment that can occur in any other kind of relationship.  The reason for this is pretty simple.  Genesis 2:24 tells us that when a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh.  If this is true, divorce is the tearing asunder of a single individual. Think about what kind of pain you would experience if your left hand out of selfishness cut off your right arm with a jagged knife! That kind of violence is a kind of divorce.

So what is the key to healing after a divorce? There is no single key. However, there are some things that will be very important no matter how your healing process goes. Here are some critical things to consider:
 
You must shed all selfishness in regards to any perceived right of retribution  -- regardless of whether or not you were the more selfish one in your marriage. You must choose to forgive your partner. In fact, you must follow God's example of grace. Ephesians 2:8 says that we were saved by grace through faith.  Grace is unmerited favor. God extended favor to you that you did not merit or deserve when He saved you. The least you can do is extend that to your Ex. If you do not make a choice to extend that grace and forgive, then you will be harmed by your own thoughts and negativity. It will be a cancer on your spirit.
 
You must accept God's grace and forgiveness. You must not continually beat yourself up over the failed marriage, or the parts that you played in it. If you have repented and asked God to forgive you, then He has forgiven you.  He is faithful like that (1 John 1:9).  Accept it and move on with a life of serving Him, and He will heal you.