Two Critical Steps for Healing After Divorce

Mike Hosey, Elder

I have never had a divorce. The closest experience that I have comes from the reports of people very near to me who have faced that tragedy. So first-hand knowledge on my part is limited, and I want to be upfront with you about that.

Still, in listening to the stories of adult friends who have faced that tragedy, one thing I have noticed is that every divorce I am acquainted with occurred because of selfishness on the part of one or both partners. (It's usually both.) I don't say this to make anyone feel down. After all, I don't know anyone (including myself) who does not exhibit selfishness in their relationships from time to time. The purpose of my statement is to acknowledge that real hurts and real resentment genuinely occur in the many moments that lead up to a divorce. In fact, the hurt and resentment that occur in a marriage can be (probably are) greater than the hurt and resentment that can occur in any other kind of relationship.  The reason for this is pretty simple.  Genesis 2:24 tells us that when a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh.  If this is true, divorce is the tearing asunder of a single individual. Think about what kind of pain you would experience if your left hand out of selfishness cut off your right arm with a jagged knife! That kind of violence is a kind of divorce.

So what is the key to healing after a divorce? There is no single key. However, there are some things that will be very important no matter how your healing process goes. Here are some critical things to consider:
 
You must shed all selfishness in regards to any perceived right of retribution  -- regardless of whether or not you were the more selfish one in your marriage. You must choose to forgive your partner. In fact, you must follow God's example of grace. Ephesians 2:8 says that we were saved by grace through faith.  Grace is unmerited favor. God extended favor to you that you did not merit or deserve when He saved you. The least you can do is extend that to your Ex. If you do not make a choice to extend that grace and forgive, then you will be harmed by your own thoughts and negativity. It will be a cancer on your spirit.
 
You must accept God's grace and forgiveness. You must not continually beat yourself up over the failed marriage, or the parts that you played in it. If you have repented and asked God to forgive you, then He has forgiven you.  He is faithful like that (1 John 1:9).  Accept it and move on with a life of serving Him, and He will heal you.

Coveting is Good

Mike Hosey, Elder

Despite what you might think about the 10th Commandment (Exodus 20:17), coveting is actually good. In fact, if you have a life that is free from coveting than you probably have a stagnant life.

Right about now you might be indignantly asking, "Hey wait a minute Mike! Are you really giving me permission to covet?  Like I can covet my neighbor's wife, or my neighbor's donkey, or his male or female servants?"

Well, no.  You probably don't really want your neighbor's wife anyway. You're not married to her, so I am fairly certain there are things about her that you don't know, and wouldn't be pleased with. I don't think you want the vet bill for a donkey, and you can't afford the upkeep for male and female servants.

The word covet, both in the Old Testament and in the New Testament comes from a word that simply means "to desire."  In the Old Testament's Hebrew, that word is chamad (Strongs H2530). It simply means to desire or to long after. In Genesis 2:9 it is the word that describes how the trees in Eden were pleasing. Chamad becomes bad, like in the 10th commandment, when it is centered on lust or some other evil desire, or when it is born out of a discontent for what you have been given, or a jealousy over your neighbor's station in life. For Adam and Eve, it was finding something desirable that they were told they couldn't have (Genesis 3:6).

In the New Testament's Greek, that word is epithymeo (Strongs G1937). Paul uses it in Romans 13:9 to summarize the 10th commandment.  In Matthew 13:17, Jesus uses that word to describe how the prophets of old had longed to see what He was fulfilling. Interestingly, Jesus also uses that word to describe how he longed to eat the Passover meal with his disciples (Luke 22:15).

The things that you are free to covet are not things at all.  They are relationships and states of being.  You are to covet, to desire, or to long after a relationship with Jesus.  You are to covet, to desire, or to long after holiness, purity, forgiveness, and the glorification of God. And after those things, you are to long after true love, and right relationships that will flow out of that love to those around you. (Romans 13:9-10) -- which would be a fulfillment of the law.

Some Brief Thoughts On Good Marriages.

Mike Hosey, Elder (and wife, Kelli)

Good marriages are characterized by a lot of different attitudes and behaviors. Here are just a few principles worth noting.

1). Put God First: Your spouse does NOT come first. Your children do NOT come first.  Your church, job or hobby do NOT come first. God comes first. In fact, he commands it (Exodus 20:3, Deuteronomy 6:5, Mark 12:30-31). When any other person takes precedence over your relationship with God, you can expect everything to get out of line and all of your priorities to get mixed up. But if you keep God first, then you will give the proper amount of real love and commitment to others because you'll be primed to do those things God wants.

2). Your Spouse Is The Most Important Relationship after God: Your relationship with your children does NOT take precedence over your relationship with your spouse. In terms of relationships, God comes first, your spouse second, and your children third. In my experience, this one is particularly hard for women because they are blessed with a maternal instinct. However, if your relationship with your spouse is askew, then your relationship with your children will be askew because there will be conflict in your home. Your children are not served well by putting your relationship with them above your relationship with your spouse. Ephesians 5:21-25 tells us that wives are to submit to their husbands, and that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church. (Remember, Christ loves us even when we don't deserve it!) These verses alone reflect how significant God considers the spousal relationship. 

3). You No Longer Belong To Your Parents But To Your Spouse: You become one flesh with your spouse (Genesis 2:24). While you continue to honor your parents always, your primary relationship is now with your spouse. And while you should respect the wisdom that may come from the parents of both spouses, those parents should not have actionable authority in your spousal relationship.

4). Do Not Neglect Intimacy and Sexuality: Once married, your body belongs to your spouse (1 Corinthians 7:4).  Sexual intimacy is normal and healthy. It should be mutual and unselfish. It should occur freely, and with regularity (1 Corinthians 7:5). And it should never be used by either partner as a form of manipulation.

God And The Marriage Metaphor

Mike Hosey, Elder (and daughter Emily)

God has often couched His relationship with His people in terms of a marital bond. This language is found in a great many places throughout the Old Testament.  For instance, Ezekiel 16:8-14, describes the covenant between God and his people as a marriage covenant.  And in the book of Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3 and Hosea 3:1) the marriage of the prophet and his harlot wife serve as a parallel of God's love for Israel despite her adultery. God calls Himself the husband of Israel in Jeremiah 31:32. And in Jeremiah 3:6-10, God's people are even described as adulterous! This marriage concept isn't alien to the New Testament either. Ephesians 5:22-33 and Revelation 19:7-9 describe the church as the bride or wife of Christ. And of course, Jesus describes Himself in Matthew 9:15 as the bridegroom. This metaphor seems to tie in well to God's repeated expressions that he is the only God and that there is no other. When God reminds us in scripture that He is the only God, He wants us to understand that He is the only provider for us, and that He is the only one worthy of our affections.

If you have an earthly spouse, this is the same kind of relationship that you would expect out of him or her. You do not expect your spouse to go to others in order to meet any kind of intimate need. You instinctively know that if your spouse were to do that, then the  bond with you would weaken, and the bond with the other provider might strengthen.

God wants our exclusionary commitment. Think about it. When God spoke of his oneness to His people, all the nations around them were given to multiple gods.  When they wanted or needed rainfall, they called on the rain god.  When they wanted to conquer their enemies, they called on the war god...   But God knew that His people's allegiance to false gods would provide them with false benefit. He also knew it would weaken their commitment to him.  Furthermore, it would weaken their commitment to one another as His chosen people! It would be inevitable that one group would develop allegiance to one god, and another group another. Just like when one spouse attains extramarital intimacy, it weakens the commitment to the first spouse, as well as brings fractured allegiances to that family unit.

The marriage concept is important because God expects faithfulness from us, just as we would expect faithfulness from a spouse.